那天我與舊同學戴言言一起出來喝茶。他說了很多哲理性的話，比如他說：
「有人說，寂寞是不存在的，那是慾望的投影而已。」他自言自語，「其實，這句話是怎麼解釋呢？很文學。」
「唔…」我在思考著，「就好像一面鏡子，當慾望照上來時，就是寂寞，兩者是映射投影關係。」
「這句話犯上邏輯錯誤。例如我沒有錢，我卻很想吃面包，所以我有了慾望。難道那時就是寂寞嗎？」
「這裡指的欲望是情感上、生理感官上的慾求啦，不是指物質上的。」 我說。
「所以這樣的譬喻就語焉不詳，有些以偏概全了，馬上就可以被推翻了。」
「每個詩句都有預設的前提，不用點明的，如果統統都說清楚了，那有什麼意思？」
我沒有想到，戴言言在畢業后跑去鑽研這些哲理性的課題，是他成長了，還是我停頓了？
然而，我也陷入了沉思中：寂寞是慾望的投影…我們去聊天室聊天，每個人問你：是否要ONS？那是慾望，但實際上是寂寞？
我們在暗夜中去到公園的亭子裡，在幽深處任人解開褲襠，那是慾望，也是寂寞？
我們摸上三溫暖，披著毛巾四處巡弋找對象，那是慾望還是寂寞？
還有走在一條陌生的廊道上，迴響著我的腳步聲，我按著門鈴去闖上一個個陌生人的住處，這是慾望，也是寂寞？
可是，我無法將我的認同一一對戴言言說個清楚，他只是一個禿著頭，喜歡小女生的直佬。
后來我對他說，「唔，這句話很有意思。」
我倒覺得，〖寂寞〗和〖欲望〗是兩種不同層次的領域，可是他們都是互相牽扯的。
回覆刪除寂寞，不是就因為你孤獨的身處空無一人的房子才會有的感覺，那是因為沒人懂你，即使你身處在熱鬧沸騰的派對，大家所閑聊的話題你不怎麼熱衷，你也會配感寂寞，因為寂寞，所以你書寫，你就有了想尋求他人共鳴懂得你心情的欲望。當然，欲望也包括了因為你獨特的生理構造而形成的生理欲求。
當你有了寂寞的空間時，你就會有欲望。可是生理上的欲望并不是完全因為你寂寞才會有的東西，有時即使你在忙着，當你看到一些東西刺激到你的感官時，你還是會性致勃勃起來的。
生理上的欲望，不只是因為寂寞才會有；但是心靈上的欲望，很大可能就是因為寂寞而引致的。
这句话真的很有意思
回覆刪除你的沉思更有意思
谢谢分享
（你不但没有停顿，而且早就长大了，哈）
〈客〉
因为寂寞所引起的渴望与欲望，常常会使我们更容易做错事，选错人。
回覆刪除Herz, i keep thinking yr problem lately. I think maybe u need to move to outstation like Singapore instead of staying in KL. coz by staying outside KL, no one can control yr movement. also, when u find the right one in Spore, u can officially "stay" with him...as roommate or housemate on public but as lover in reality. i got several plu couples from malaysia practice that for years. no one will ask coz many ppl share a flat here.
回覆刪除For example, there is one couple stay in a flat with 2 rooms. they put their belongings in 2 rooms separately like 2 guys staying in 2 separate room. at night time....good show starts. they only stay in the bigger room as couple and have their own world every night. i ever visited their house and no one can tell they are couple actually.....sounds great???
I think u should make some changes in yr life style else, i think u may need to "pecah" soon if u find another man to commit. some more, by going to Singapore, u can tell ppl that u leave to Spore to earn more $$$ (although u may look down on these ppl in fact...i mean the gold digger like us in Singapore).
Hope this 2 cent opinion is a good choice for u to break yr current "stuck on" situation in KL.
I am sure many plu in Spore are willing to help u here....
Andy@Singapore
(remember me? i actually have been reading yr blog and post to u when i m free).
Andy：謝謝你的意見。唔，為什麼會近來一直想到我的處境問題？
回覆刪除當然你所提及的情境，有時也是我響往的。不過我想這種情況是可以在大馬發生的吧──屆時我得過家人這一關。
不過，現在的情況還未來到這階段。所以我也沒有去設想太多。
當然，我也得想賺更多錢，哪怕是島國或是其他國家，賺到錢（飽飲思淫慾？:) ）后當然也希望愛情得意，但是否也有如此兩全其美的事情呢？
我還記得你寄給我的電郵。啊，很久沒有與讀者通電郵了，愿大家一切安好。
andy here. sorry my pc cant use chinese input. have to type in english.
回覆刪除yes u can have that lifestyle i mentioned in KL but u have to pecah. can u bear to pecah? thats the question. but when u r away from family, u can "wei shou yu wei" and no one can control u. remember, out of sight, out of mind. no one can control u as long as u still go home regularly and call back every week.
of course u can have the best of both, love and money in spore. else there wont be so many plu from malaysia shift to here to work/stay. to yr surprise, most of my chinese plu friend from malaysia got a malay bf here in spore! maybe we share the same "nasi lemak" taste here....
i of course wish u find yr love here in spore. did add u in my yahoo messanger. keep in touch there ya.
lastly...y i keep thinking yr problem? coz for the past 2 weeks i read yr blog again from the 1st till recent one again and i see the change in u and yr mindset. i feel u need a change lor. give it a tot.
Andy@Singapore
(A born Malaysian in Singapore)
ANDY：我無法離開這裡，可能是我還不夠努力掙脫這片國土的束縛，也沒有去努力找海外就職的機會。我想還是那種「生于斯長于斯」的心理作祟。
回覆刪除不過有機會的話，當然想到外頭瞧瞧。
有很多大馬人會去到新加坡找到「椰漿飯」？唔，這也是蠻有趣的現象。為什麼會這樣的呢？有沒有像諾曼阿頓那般樣子的？
原來你在近期來展讀我的文章。有時我也不敢回顧自己的過去。
你有發覺我在哪兒出現了變化？當局者迷，旁觀者清，你就不妨具體地說出來吧。:) 我感覺到自己似乎越來越「頹靡」（在某一程度上），有讀者說我的文筆與內容也不比早前的來得吸引。細想一下，我也認同。
ok，有機會可以在雅虎聊天室見。不過我真的鮮少機會可以在「正常」時間裡上聊天室。
不過，謝謝你的關注。我可以感覺到那種重量。:)
Yes, i really feel u are getting more "tui fei". the write up also not as "jing bao" as the old days, maybe work too tired i guess. but still i enjoy reading yr articles.
回覆刪除I only feel that u r lonely and "xu yao bei ai" lo....u really need to find real love instead of finding lust. Nowadays as i see the recruit ads in Spore, i find the job market here recovering and job is everywhere. i m sure u can find a job here. pls make the 1st move to apply. u never try u never know. u will open yr mind once u left malaysia. i had the same experience like u. whatever i wrote are my own experience.
actually i also got my "nasi lemak" here. he look like Tay Peng Hui of MediaCorp here (see this link:
http://sea.daimlerchrysler.com/Projects/c2c/channel/files/131883_Tay_Ping_Hui.jpg
The "nasi lemak" here actually looking for "mee hong kong" like us. they also tired of taking "nasi lemak". thats y i can get many choices of "nasi lemak" here. another thing is becoz we can speak their language and we understand their culture well. it makes us the best "mee Hng Kong" for them.
u can actually email me. my email address is the same as my yahoo ID. i will email u 1st....
see u in singapore...i really hope so....
ANDY @ SINGAPORE