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2006年3月10日星期五

Equality




我也忘了同事達夫幾時對我有疏離感。我和他並不是特別要好,但也不至于交惡的地步。只是我們的話少了,既使是與他談話,他就是沒甚搭訕,一言起,兩言止。

而事實上我們之前並不是特別投契和互相依賴,對于這樣的人物,在我的生活不造成影響。反正隨緣,我也不見得對他特別有好感,一如我對小白一樣。

然而,他在數次言談中都透露他憎恨同志。他是一個有話直說,說話不善修飾的人,有時他那種粗澀的說話方式讓我不敢恭維。

我記得去年有好幾次他一直呼喚我是「死基佬」,那似是在嘲弄般地開玩笑,但帶有侮辱式的喚叫在一些informal的場合聽入耳裡,就會感覺刺耳。

我不知道我是怎樣被他拉出衣櫃來,但是可能從種種跡象中,他就揭開了我的衣櫃門。然而,他可以在公眾地方如此喚我,是誰都會聽到火爆──這未免是太不文明的對待,也是過于粗暴的態度吧!

有一次我就直斥達夫,我叫他不要這樣亂亂給別人取花名,我沒有承認我是同志,但我只是讓他知道,他這樣的舉動很幼稚,也沒有教養。

後來我就發覺他的態度冷淡了,冷淡得可以在一起吃飯時,他與另一名同事以我聽不懂的家鄉話交談而完全置我于不理,即使另一位同事繼續用我聽得懂的語言與我交談。

這也罷了。到後來直至上週,我與達夫在公事上一起合作一項企划案時,他那種疏離和冷漠的態度十分不合作,到最後我倆根本無法好好地進行溝通,即使我是他的上司,但大家各自行事,我吩咐他搜尋一些材料,他慢條斯理;然後我還得為他接手,而他負責的一部份無法勝任任務卻不開口求援,他那種抗拒性讓他整個人就像一個旁觀者一樣,只有我一人像盲頭蒼蠅般匆忙,最後非常倉卒和狼狽地完成任務。

我當時他仍在拖時間時:你為什麼沒有對我說你趕不及做企划案,為什麼你不開口求助?

他只是歪歪嘴笑一笑,十分敷衍。然後我再問:「你知道我們很趕時間嗎?」時間是金錢啊!我然後一邊忙著手頭上的功夫。

到後來我真的忍不住了,企划案在半夜完成後,我拉他到公司外面問個清楚,語氣也十分不客氣了:「我到底什麼得罪了你?我只希望我們做好工作,為什麼你採取這樣不合作的態度?」

我說,即使我們有誤會的地方,也應該攤開出來談,更不要影響到工作情緒來拖累工作效率,而且在有必要時更應該開口說話來溝通,而不是公私不分明。

我再說,即使你誤會我是同志或是什麼事件,也希望你不要影響我們的工作關係,而我只是維持工作關係而已。

他只是一慣沉默地聽著,然後我再問他:到底你誤會我什麼?

他說,「這我們下次再談!」語氣還是那樣地輕佻不認真。

後來我知道怎樣說,以他的本性他都不會開金口來說個清楚,可是我至少舒了一口氣說出心裡話。

我在回家後再給他一個短訊,補充說希望他若是要判斷我之前,請給我一個客觀尊重和對待。

翌日他回了一個短訊給我:「我是不喜歡同性戀的人,但是我沒在工作上歧視你。」

在工作上沒歧視我?意即說他在歧視著我是同志?他已將我結結實實地釘上同志的等號,標籤化後再分類到他的喜惡垃圾場,然後將自己撐得高高在上,用「歧視」的目光來俯視我。

而基于我是他的上司,我的工作能力比他優越,所以他就沒有歧視我?如果我是他的下屬,他是否就理直氣壯地可以歧視我?

為什麼要歧視?

我回了一個短訊給他:「如果你對我的誤會是因同志而起,我想即使我怎樣解釋你還是對我有偏見,我只會駭然你低落的人文素養和膚淺,我相信沒有任何女生會欣賞。」

我真的很奇怪,即使是不是同志,為什麼要這樣用另類目光去看待,甚至去歧視呢?性取向怎麼會與工作表現扯在一起混為一談?

就像同一餐桌上,我愛吃香蕉,但我沒有必要去歧視只愛吃木瓜的人,口味和preference不同,大家接受程度不一樣,為什麼不肯接受其他人可以有不同的選擇?為什麼不會尊重其他人的選擇?

你可以不接受、不認同我的性取向,非議我們不同一般人的選擇,但是也不致于要敵視他人另類的選擇吧?你不能接受天空是藍色的,那你就不喜歡天空了?

而我是否應該不喜歡那些異性戀的男女呢?我是否應該歧視他們他們?

我喜歡長得高的人,我是否也應恨死那些長得像達夫那般矮小侏儒般的人?

我沒有再對達夫作更多的解釋。我想,我會在自己的意識裡自動sensor這些人的存在,不會人性化地對待,只在工作上將他工具化來使用。

我到現在並沒有對他澄清或再辯解什麼,如果他是抱著有色眼光來對待他認為是異類的人,相信我怎樣努力,都不會得到平等的認同。

連美國這種表面上宣揚自由、人權或平等的西方國家,保守主義勢力也是堅如磐石佔據人民的意識型態,然後就「做」掉了李安的《斷背山》在奧斯卡獎中伸手可及的「最佳電影」,我們在這裡能要求一個微不足道的人物有怎樣的期待?

我只默默祈禱著他不會干擾和拖累我的工作作業就好了。

5 口禁果:

nicholes 說...

其實歧視同志的人一直都在我們的身邊打轉
要面對他們,可說是一種極其無奈的活受罪
被逼要一起呼吸着相同的空氣,卻無法相容
我比你幸運一點點,工作環境不那么復雜
也許也是我掩飾得好吧,一直沒被發現
記得印像最深刻也一直沒辦法釋懷的
就是在學院內的一個男同學總是開口閉口
都叫我死gay佬,我也只好啞忍着
拼死拼活地催眠着自己沒聽到,他只不過是
開玩笑而已,沒有惡意的
難道就因為我沒女朋友就得受到這樣的羞辱嗎
也搞不懂為何這些都談戀愛的男生會那么
熱衷為我無色女朋友,幾乎每個學院的女生
都被“介紹”過給我,常弄得我好生尷尬
只不過我還一直“提不起勁”而已。
他們也許媒人當不成而泄氣了,
才開始懷疑我到底是不是.......
我確實很無奈,不曉得該氣他們好心做壞事
還是該感謝他們那么關心我的終身幸福
唉!

匿名 說...

Discrimination
R work was always been excellent and all project has been completed within the dateline given. Until recently, he seems to have some problems, and I start to hear rumours about his personal life was kinda messy. It come to a stage that I need take care of the situation. I was shocked to learn the many "stories" about him, about his love life, his secret life. Story about his internet browsing male nudity, his close male friend, his visitors to the office after midnite hours, stories about stains, tissues...

R suppose to be in the office when I arrived, but he was absent from work again. R been not well for the pass 3 months, and he was hospitalised for a week, and rumours says he commited suicide, officially, he was having some unknown decease. I went to visit R with a colleague at his home. R is really sick, pale face, tired eyes, messy hair.. it's really a totally different person than his usual self, he was a charmer. Before we leave, I make an appointment to see him at the hotel to discuss about the situation. As far as work is concern, he should be fired (not because of the stories I heard), but for being a irresponsible manager.

R did show up at the hotel, and we have a lengthy discussion about his work. He then explained to us that it was a bad break-up with his GIRLFRIEND, that had been affecting him badly. He said he can't seem to contorl his emotions and he couldn't sleep at nite, and feel very tired in the morning the next day, with headache. As he keep on giving us another stories to cover his identity, I felt so bad that, everyone else in the office know but he are the one being kept in the dark. I feel sorry for him. R promise to rectify that and want to get back on his feed if the management give him another chance. I've agreed 2 months observation, else expect to see his resignation.

R did resigned 2 months later.

I have received a few calls from my boss about the situation. He made remarks about R sickness, and wondering if he has AIDS. He was not happy with my decision of giving him a chance, said I should have released him right immediately. Of course, at the end of 2 months, I got a remarks, "see, I told you so..."

Later I made another trip to conduct interview finding a replacement. And I find out that, it was really a bad break up. The BF went to the office the make a scene. Telling and sharing with some of the staffs in the office of things happen. Staffs make jokes out of it, sharing the juicy stories. Male staffs avoid to be alone in the washroom with him, none want to be seen closed to him. I begin to understand.. it is not R didn't try.. but perhaps, it's the situation never allowed, and his is totally rip naked and he lost the respect from them. I did tried to contact R, but he's avoiding. I received a thank you card from R at the hotel just before I leave. Appologies of letting me down, but thank you for giving him a 2nd chance eventho it didn't workout. R said, "I know being different is difficult, but I didn't realised the damaged it can caused from feeling discriminated. I have no choice but to leave."

It happen a few years ago. I never heard from R since.

yF

ps 1:
straight men love gossips, they'll make all the necessary efforts to dig more information.. you never seem them so serious about their own work tho!

ps 2:
"I'll stand by you when you stay in the closet, I'll leave you if you are not, eventho you are still the same person"

Hezt 說...

yF:
謝謝你與我分享這個故事。有些戚戚然的感覺。我現在對過去的事情有些羞愧和擔心,你應該明白我在說著什麼事情……

但我還是會盡好工作的份內事。:)

Nicholes:
我比你好一些,根本沒有人主動要當我的媒人婆。你應該長得比較有女人緣一些。哈。

n70 說...

So sad to hear this story. Hope R is working good now, at least working good in his life.

What i learn from your experience is: Never let your colleague know that you are GAY. It putting you into a worst situation. Damn it...

匿名 說...

The thing is such discrimination is actually beneficial to some straight guys to remove a potential competitor in the modern world.

So, some closeted guys do get GF and get married.

Indeed, for those places, les and gays should help each other out by marrying each other while making some legal statements on the separation of personal properties if they should get divorced in the future for whatever cause.

surely, if they can help make their own children when well planned and trusted and respected mutually.

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