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2010年6月27日星期日

戲一場



昨晚是否是我的負能量過多?白天時覺得上班時很受氣,然後我在上班時間漫不經心,還公然用iPhone的Grindr聊天,吃了很多趟的閉門羹後,我回家後上網,闖入我很久沒有去的同志聊天網站。

這樣,我就碰到了椰漿飯,當人有那種負能量時,就會吸納招惹霉運。

我看到他的名字時有怵然一驚的感覺。很久沒有看到他的代號了。事實上,我是超過半年沒有光顧這網站了,偏偏這一晚,就這樣碰著他。

他自動向我打招呼。


NL: hi how are u?

: I am fine, how abt u?

NL: fine

我:good to hear

NL: Hezt, this is XXXX.

我:I know who you are.

NL:Pls contact me k. 01XXXXXX .Have u bought u dream house dear?

我:Well, yes, I moved , and I moved on

是的,我搬離舊居了,而且我的生活也照活著。

NL: Good. I am at home alone. Drop by if u want, k?

我:still staying in the old place?

NL: Yeah. u still work at d same place?

我:what's your body shape now?

NL: been busy but still maintain. Come over. I missed u smile. You look good.

我:send me your latest pic

NL: k. u tel no?

我:email me will do

NL: Don't know how to do that.. he he

我:so where is your bf?

NL: I broke off august 2008. I told u what.

(我們在去年有一次在網上重遇,但那時他說,在我離開後,他結交了第三個男友,他們在一起兩年,而這位男朋友趁他吃春藥時拍下他的相片威脅他,讓他苦惱不已……

那時我只覺厭惡,以前他與我在一起時,我什麼「地位」也沒有,而他對我撒了那麼多有關其第二任男朋友的事情,包括用刀威脅他、向他借錢等等。

我覺得自己是如此地卑賤,因為我連「男朋友」也比不上。而那時我們分道揚鑣已3年了,他卻與下一任共渡了2年)

我:the 3rd one or the 4th one? So now you are back to sex hunter life again?

NL: 3rd. Maybe no more bf after this. Am slowing down.

It be nice to hug u warm body again if u let me. I've missed u all this while n never give up to be u friend until u told me not to contact u.

Every time i see your pic in the net i feel sad. Pls forgive me n believe me i was trying to protect u dear.

It be nice to see u at my place again n hug u every time after u had shower. if u come i will try to cook again... he he. Where u now dear?

他說到這裡時,我整個人的火氣就飆升上來了。一方面說著不想再有男朋友了,然而他卻猛地誘騙我到他的家,還說什麼追憶、懷念,甚至想擁抱我。他到底在說著什麼?

我:Did you make up the gang bang story?YES OR NO.

NL: no....What gang bang story?

我:so it did happen?

NL: am not sure what u talking about

我:A guy came to visit your place, and he's been raped while waiting you outside your house. Because you are lying that's why you didn't remember all this bullshit.

You are a nice person I know but I can' t stand that you humiliating my intelligence.

Making up this kind of crap just to break off with me, it's really ridiculous. How many times I've heard your crap in the name of protections?

NL: that is my ex. he made up the story to show how what he had to go through to be with me. its not my story.

我:Well, you used his story to break up with me. You asked me not to come to your house anymore because it's dangerous. So you are part of the lie and a lier too, technically.

During the initial stage everytime I left your house, you said you feel like a dumped whore.

I tried to stay and things developed, and if you wanna move back to fuck -n-go relationship, you can tell me straight forward.

You don't have to make up such terrible story. I was devastated by your endless lies.

Now it's your defence, please.

NL: I don't know how to convince u anymore. both my 2nd n 3rd ex had life issues.

I tried to help them the best I can until he attack my friends n family with bad sms. that when i decided to break off with him.

He still sms me until now n i keep it as a proof. I made 2 police report. i show u when we meet, k?

我:What do you want from me now? Trust? A smiling face? OR A FUCKHOLE?

NL: u are a intelligent guy. Why cant u listen to both sides n judge later.

I understand u are very angry. If i am a bad person u think i had 7 yers with the 2nd n 2 years with my 3rd.

Would i feel n still care about u n think about u all this while? I remember n keep u sms which said"please dont forget me" which make me very sad but i lost that handphone.

I am still in good term with my 1st bf n we keep in touch n go out.

For a start i want us to be friends at the speed that u comfortable with.Than we let nature takes its course k.

I have always tell my close friends of how nice u are, when u see me at Dome in Lot 10 with a kwailo that is my first bf.

I wanted to walk n say Hi to u but i think u are not ready to forgive me cause u misunderstood me. I hope after this we can be friends again.


我:Few points I need to clarify.

1. I don't think I've ever sms you that kind of SMS..

2. I did not see you after 2006, not even once. I think you totally forgot how do I look like. I hardly go to DOME

3. I don't have a chance to listen the both side story, if you insist, let me talk to your 2nd BF.

NL: I cant proof to u on that matter because i lost the hp. I had never change my tel number since I had my first hp. Why cause i want to keep in touch with most of my friends.

我:and you said "Than we let nature takes its course" but previously you said "no more BF", so you are contradicting yourself.

You just use this as a facade to get a convenient fuckbuddy.

NL: My 2nd BF is out of my reach now. I give up on him since he didnt keep in touch with me a few years after he moved to Peneng.

He is based in UK but travel to US n Europe for work. I ask him to take his things but he ask me to throw them away but i still keep them.

Even his orchid plant is still at my balcony. All i want in each ex bf is to keep in touch but they dont want i cant do anything.

那一刻,其實我有一種很蒼涼的感覺。有一股寒意從背脊慢慢地攀爬起來。為什麼,為什麼到現在他還在胡說八道?之前還說他的第二任男友有sms他云云,現在他又改口說他的第二任男友失聯了。

我覺得他真的有些瘋了,他以前每次也用這種口吻對我說話──自怨自艾來博取憐愛,那時我們在一起時,就是一場PITY FEST

然而,他是神智錯亂炮制如此多的荒謬故事。我終于忍不住要反擊了,我覺得他心理與精神真的有些問題。

我:Perhaps your 2nd BF just wasn't the villain but you are in stead!

I think that you are mentally unsound.

I suggest you to seek for some professional helps.

Be strong and love yourself more. You won't feel lonely even you are lonely.

I feel so sorry for you now.

椰漿飯顯然地被我惹怒了。但,他是不會將慍色放在臉上的人。且看他怎樣回應:

NL: hei u or me can't predict what the future holds for us.

Remember if u keep judging others n so does others.

U are part of my life that i cherish. I still keep u towel n t shirt. U cant go on like this being angry about things u not sure of. Its not healthy.

U can hate me but u cant stop me for thanking god for sending u into my life.

If u think what i did is wrong n not fair to u then put urself in my shoes. I had a sick father to care for n a job.....

Thank u for chatting n letting me explain some of the issues u wanted to know.

Please forgive me for my mistakes n wrong doings but one thing for sure u always have a special place in my heart.

PS: i tot of writing a book about my life. I let u read it if God still let me be alive to complete it.

Nite sayang.

我看著這幾段話。惘然與迷惑。椰漿飯的本事是將自己貶得很卑微,然後兜著圈子說那種纏綿的「情話」,你看看那幾句情話,是否有打動你的心?

他還說要出書──我真的啞然。

我選擇不理睬他。等了十分五分鐘後,他又寄來這句話:

NL: i dont know how to safe this chat we had, can u teach me. tq

但我還是選擇漠視了。

NL: k. nite than

我們,就這樣地道別了。

如果你是我,你會原諒椰漿飯嗎?


重溫椰漿飯(節選)

今夕何夕

D-I-C-T-A-T-E

513

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8 口禁果:

Angel 說...

我正在遭遇着和你相同的事情 ,我和他分分合合了不知道多少次 ?每一次下定决心离开他的时候,他就像椰酱饭一样不断地道歉,解释,然后情话 。

和你一样,我识破了他一些解释(谎言);但有时候他的解释却让我觉得自己误会了他 。他平时是一个骄傲自大的人,道歉不是他日常生活会做的事,所以每每他像椰酱饭一样贬低自己贬得卑微的时候,都往往会打动到我 。

我上个星期又开始「又」和他分开了,然后他透过 msn 向我解释+道歉+情话 ,就像一个完整的程序/配套 。但我仍然还没正式地接受他的配套,也在犹豫当中 。

身边的朋友都劝我离开 ,因为一个值得你爱的人,不应该是弄得你那么不开心... 但偏偏就是心理还爱着他而犹豫不决... 有时候想想,只要忍一下痛,熬过了,或许前面还有更好的人在等着 ?

像你说的:Well, yes, I moved , and I moved on

Kim 說...

hezt,这样的回忆很痛。因为你不懂自己在那男人的心里到底是什么位置。他说为你好,他说你一直都在他心中,可是却选择了别人。
你会怀疑自己的眼睛,对他认识有多少。你们在一起的回忆和后来的惨痛成了一种正比。你自己也迷惑了。放手吧。

安东尼刘 說...

将感情弄复杂的人是因为他根本是爱玩感情而不是认真的经营感情,别在为这样的人生气或动气或有任何情绪上的反应。过去的就让它过去,何苦一直保留着来困扰自己的生活而不能舒坦的做人?

聪明的你应该知道什么才是真正的放开。

Go Smerv 說...

十年前,曾经有过一个人伤害我。而我却恨足了他十年,当时只有十七岁。但够了,已经累了。

我虽然无法忘记他是多么的残忍,但人总是要学会宽容,事情过了那么久,如果还当他是朋友的,那就原谅吧。没什么把仇恨记在心里更难受。

放开才是享受人生的开始。

单身汉 說...

他,值得你重新接受吗?
那份痛,那道伤痕,历史的伤口,
有些人你永远不必等。。

沉默天使 說...

虽然像NL这种人有很多,但这个世界上还有些对感情认真专一的同志。千万别他将当成你的唯一。

匿名 說...

Hetz, u r a pretty asshole and yr ass just too itchy... u still talk about nasi lemak and still like him u r... i pity u.

Simon Jim 說...

俗話說,清官難斷家務事,旁人可以分享感受,可以分享經驗(惡質的廢話可略過不理),但最終決定還是要自己下。加油!

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