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2006年4月5日星期三

Silence becomes you

我收到十字先生這封電郵。然後我無言。

電郵的重點是:

─椰漿飯是一個自私的人,他不應該將他的野史對我坦白相告,因為他在破壞著我的生活。

─椰漿飯對我生活的破壞方式,就是我在部落格裡寫這麼多的野史故事。

─千萬不要在饑餓時就抓樹根而啃得津津有味,吃樹根並不是我應該擁有的最佳抉擇;相同的,我有更多選擇,來挑選我自己要的生活伴侶。

─我不應椰漿飯在外頭胡搞淫樂妥協,這樣的妥協並不是最理想的生活方式。

─對伴侶的妥協/包容可以是多方面的,但絕對不是放縱伴侶四處外出覓速食。

─我只是椰漿飯首號的炮槍手,而我也不能阻止他與其他人共樂。

─我是否應該為花更多時間在椰漿飯身上,而放棄海外工作的夢想?

─我們應該妥協,但是生活原則是不能改變的。

我還能說什麼?

只想對十字先生說,「謝謝」

那是一段十分用心的文字。

「…I am not sure what kind of impact that my judgement on NL gave you. But I definitely think that he's a selfish human-less figure.

You treat his honesty in confessing everything that he did to you, as a goodness. Okie, let me ask you. Why don't you let your mum and sis know what you have been doing outside? You're financially independent. You can even move outside and stay alone. Why should you be so careful and phobia to confess to them? Why don't you think your honesty would be a "goodness" to them?

The answer is simple. Coz you LOVE them. You care about their feeling, you don't want them to get hurt, physically and emotionally. So you opt to cover everything up. Same goes for relationship. If your partner did something wrong and he bother so much not to tell you, probably he cares about your feeling. But of course it depends whether he has regretted it later and not to repeat the mistake in the future.

Instead, he kept doing things like that outside, and kept telling you. I think, it's a seriously ruin to your life, a ruin to your lifestyle.

Just look at how you have started to take things for granted and accept it as it is... Hezt, things shouldn't be that way. You have lots more options.

When you're in hunger, and you would start treating plants roots as food, just as ppl in those war zone country do. Soon, you accept the fact that roots, could be a food. The most you choose, maybe, would be which root is sweeter, which root is bitter.

But right now right here, you are aware that, regardless of sweet root or bitter root, root is NOT a daily balance food.

Take that into your situation. A little bit of goodness that he done to you, you take that as something really fulfilling and you're convincing yourself that life shouldn't be ideal. So, you take that for granted and you accept the way he mess and slut around outside, and coming back hugging you calling you sayang. It's just like you treat roots as a food, that you deserve to have.
If you look at it carefully again, you should compromise IF: your bf is rather not good looking yet he's caring; your bf is rather poor and you have to stay in poor with him yet he's responsible to you; your bf is not educated and can't even speak proper nice words despite your cultured lifestyle, yet he cares you so much. Those things, are things that you may compromise.

Not something that he sleeps with every single guy who comes across his path and he tells you that you're his world... Not someone who tells you that he can't sleep at night and go out for quick sex... Not someone who tells you that he went back hometown to take care of his ill dad, get horny and go to neighbouring country for wild sex... You compromise things like that and telling yourself life is not IDEAL?

Please define "ideal" then...

Or, are you just ruining your life, in being another person just like him, sleeping around and telling everyone here inside your blog? Are you becoming just like him? You see the impact that he put on you? He didn't declare you're his bf, not that he worries he treats you unfair. Instead, you're just one of his top listed sex partner, that he still don't think you deserve to stop him from having fun around with other sex partners.

Look at how did some of your netpals told you. They wanted to try exciting fun sex outside, but once they think about their bf, the love, the relationship, it would make them so guitly and they know they should appreciate what you have. If the situation happened to you, do you have such a strong reason? Fear not...

I know we shouldn't bundle each other too tightly, as we still have our own career, our own family, our own life. But, does this person worthwhile for you, to stop chasing your dream to work abroad, even when your mum has agreed? You think you should put more time on a guy like that, and put your dreams aside?

Yeah, as we grew older, we learned to compromise, learned to tolerate. But, certain things, shall remain as our life principles and shouldn't be changing.

Else, we're merely a human-being without soul, without purpose. Don't be someone who think eating tapioca roots is like having the best course of meals in the world.

There are difference between treating things open-mindedly, and treatig things blindly...」

6 口禁果:

匿名 說...

Adam's dad:Very much agree with the letter. you should seriously consider his relationship... for sex purpose or purely love like jack and ernie in brokeback mountain :-)

n70 說...

Oh...What a good letter, I agree what the letter had said. But it still depends on how you want your liftstyle, think twice or more what the letter had told you.....

If you think that Nasi Lemak is on your top sex buddy list too, then should be OK (I'm think u don't treat him as sex buddy, right?). But if you want more from him, I think he is telling you in earlier already, and the letter had pointed out this also, you and me already know the answer.

However, it just an opinion, take it or leave it. I believe that everyone is support you here, although we don't see each other.

匿名 說...

I am also one of your 'silent' readers ... I do respect your lifestyle and if it's what you want, I think you should be living happily now ... but if you are not happy, please don't compromise. Afterall, we determine our own life.

-TC-

匿名 說...

whether to come out or stay in the closest, it's up to everyone.

sometimes i dun understnd why some
guys find so excited when they tell their frens some1 is gay..... aren't they supposed to protect the same group?


Ed

ryuwo_79 說...

well, it is a good and caring letter, meant to care about u and to warn u, and maybe try to clear ur confusion. but hetz, i think u already know about all these things the person said. u are smart, and it is impossible to me u never think of this before.

however one can denies, i always believe, inside everyone's heart, there will be a part crying for equal treatment and to be loved like all the love stories.

eventually, i think i said before, it is all up to u. if u can take it, then keep it up. but if u think u are suffering, then maybe it is time to call an end.

nicholes 說...

不曉得該對你說什麼
不過老覺得你和椰漿飯的關系就是
這般若即若離
很奇妙的一段關系
比情人疏離一點
卻又比朋友更親密一些
難道,在愛情和友誼間
真的有灰色地帶嗎?
在那個世界,你們盡可以分享一切?
沒有情人間的占有,沒有所謂的忠誠
盡管對方在外頭沾花惹草也可以寬容
在人前你們是好朋友,或好兄弟
在暗地里你們卻猶如情人般撫摸彼此的身體
你們和一般情欲伴侶不一樣的是
你們可以分享彼此的心靈感受
在彼此都最孤寂的時刻可以緊緊相擁
只不過這種關系會長久嗎?
你真的完全一點也不妒嫉嗎?
真的沒想過會和椰漿飯開花結果嗎?
還是你從不曾把椰漿飯列入你的lover名單里
因為你心里還對另一個人難以忘懷?
總言之,一切答案只有你自己才能理清楚
就如大家所言,如果你和椰漿飯覺得這種關系
舒服的話,你就繼續吧
若你覺得心里難過或不快樂了
千萬別勉強自己,因為害怕寂寞而被迫
委屈求全,那實在夠可悲的
倒不如一個人活得自在的好。
希望你早日找到自己的幸福。^_^

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