Life─ Dream＝ Job

快凌晨三點了。我還在案上將公司的企劃案忙得昏頭轉向。可是我的眼皮快垂下來。剛才喝的那杯咖啡似乎無效。

但這份企劃案必須在明天就呈交，否則客戶就彈回來。

我能維持這種生活到多久？

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上司拿著一封信給我說：你升職加薪了。但隨之而來的壓力會更大。

我打開信封一看，有些錯愕地看著那加幅的數額。有一絲絲的亢奮，也有些鬱卒，原來之前我的薪水是如此地低。

我點頭，裝出心神意會的模樣，deal or no deal？心裡經過一番掙扎：因為我值得這樣的薪水？因為我值得這樣的付出？

所以，我只能對他說：謝謝。非常例牌地回應，因為我得到了合理的待遇，還是我要由衷地謝謝你給我的人生再給一些我不能預知的壓力？

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我現在每一天上班時，我都是在倒數著還有幾天，才到我的休息日。我在望著錶匆忙地驅車上班，總會想到「啊，待錶裡的時針多轉12圈時，我就可以回家休息了。」

我在家中凝視鐘錶面是一樣的，因為我知道我將會花12個小時在公司裡、在上下班的路途中。吃喝拉都會在公司裡渡過，除了睡覺以外，當然，有時我會躲在公司的廁所裡閉上眼睛歇一歇，神遊。

我每天都告訴自己：開心些吧！振奮一些！你是敬業樂業的人。你要做好自己的工作。

我只是讓自己的內心，發出啦啦隊般的聲音，對自己呼喊著加油。

可是，這種只是一種自我麻醉的手法。

這是企業職員的生涯吧──還包括要聆聽是是非非。你能對這些是非裝聾作啞嗎？你能置身于辦公室政治之外嗎？不能，因為在無法掌握公司形勢與變動時，你可能會誤踩到地雷。

所以當有同事或上司走來對我說話時，我就「嗯、唔…」地回應著，掩藏住自己的情緒。要作一個敏感、步履從容，更要裝作無邪地，行行走走的．人。

很微妙的是，竟然有上司在我的面前，指責著另一個上司的不是。而兩個人都是我的直屬上司──他們招聘我進來，不是只是要一對耳朵而已吧？可是他們對著我互吐苦水時，訴說著他們工作上無法解決的問題時，我應該怎麼做？

我還未到那個層次與境界，去承擔他們的問題。若是如此的話，坐在那位子的應該是我了，領這麼高的薪水，應該要承擔更多的責任與煩惱。

我今天還遇到了一個不成熟的下屬對著我耍脾氣。她反問我：為什麼你要我做這麼多東西？你知道別人怎樣評估你嗎？……blah blah blah。

我的耳朵又再打開來了，像缺堤的洪水倒灌進來，我覺得我真的像處于一個荒亂的災場中。

這是我逃不出的連場災場──你不能對生活其他的財務負擔一走了之，你不能再像當年脫彊的野馬般，要奔逃就奔逃，30歲的人生，不再有流浪的優雅，而是內心亡命般地追逐著人生與社會既定的目標。

再回眸時，才發覺覷盡紅塵。

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我的白髮也越來越明顯了。有一次我在健身室裡照著鏡子時，竟然看到頭側爆出一根白髮來。我環視四週是否有人，之後就速戰速決，馬上拔除殲滅。

所以，我舉手拔白髮的動作是相當地明顯，指頭伸進了髮際裡，那根白髮就與我玩起捉迷藏起來了。

我慌了，心裡苦喊著：快快現身讓我拔掉你。就在這時，已見到有一個男生拖著半裸的濕漉漉身子走出來，將我這身動作盡收眼帘。

他不會聯想到我在捉頭蝨吧？我望著他，他也回望著我，不語。

我很想告訴他：我在找回我失去的青春，我在拔除我的衰老。

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幾週前我在聊天室上認識了一個男生。對方沒有真實名字，沒有具體臉孔，只有一幅半裸照片。

通過了電話，還未見面。不過，他已開始寄短訊給我：開始說著一些「你吃飽飯了嗎？」般呢噥的情話。

我禮貌地回應，但不敢逾界。如果我要flirt起來，相信我是一個野馬，簡直會跑到你的心底裡去。

但是我沒有。累了，已沒有這種勁兒。

到最後，他問我幾時可以見面。我無言以對。我還沒有告訴他我真正的行業，以及我的工作需求。

接著他再問我：太夜不用緊，你可以在我家過夜。

我開始有一個不祥的預感──我想碰上了一個自認是全宇宙最孤獨的心靈。他要的只是一個抱枕來相擁，或是另一幅肉體來契合他的心靈。

這是聊天室裡其中一款典型的痴情種子。他可能長得很抱歉，也可能長得過于俊美，只是心智與理性不足。

我不知道我是否還有如此大的空間，去包容他的寂寞。

我還未敲定相約見面的時間。或許，到最後與他上床一次後，永遠不相見。

反正，他好奇的只是我一幅肉體。

他現在還是繼續寄送著：「晚安、美夢」等的短訊，如同以前椰漿飯一樣。可是之前我與椰漿飯之間雖然是懸浮著半空，然而我們至少有一定的感情。

但是這位陌生男孩，沒有見過我，我們還未接觸過，他就將希望繫在我身上了──希望我們能成為愛侶？還是希望我們能一起渡過人生？

我感到那一絲絲的沉重。

我還抱著一絲靠岸、定錨的希望，只是不大敢奢望了。

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我剛才又重看新任占士邦Daniel Craig的《皇家賭場》，這齣戲是我分了幾次重看，每次都是在下班梳洗後，在夜半電視機前亂按遙控器時看到的電影。

每次都是從不同的片段看起，剛才才正式從頭看起。

占士邦色誘著一名梟雄的妻子時，那女人伏在他胸前問他：為什麼你總是喜歡有丈夫的女人？

占士邦說：因為這沒有這麼複雜。

那就是說，跟一個單身的人混在一起，當然是比較複雜。我是戰戰兢兢地，深怕我再愛上另一個單身的伶仃人，因為到最後，情況會複雜起來。

他能體諒我的工作環境嗎？他能忍受我因工作關係所造成的罕見人生嗎？

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我還是很想去流浪。但在近期內恐怕還是不能。不能。因為我的工作，我無法在這裡再多說。

當人生減去夢想時，就剩下工作。

蝸牛

清晨六時六條車道的寬敞馬路，讓我一個人逍遙地奔馳。我載著家人第一次從這裡出發，才發覺原來使用這條道路去義山，會是這樣的情景。

父親的墳前長了一堆心形狀的蔓藤植物，如此嬌嬈與叫人動心。這是我首次看到這類植物築在父親的墳前呢。我細細地把玩著，有心與無心，只是那一片綠意。

母親說，你就將碑前那些野草都除去吧！

我在碑前的拜台，戴上了手套，將那一叢叢的野草連根拔起，殘餘著去年此時此刻敬上的香骨，都褪色了。

在霧氣中拔草，找到荒草裡爬著幾隻蝸牛。睽違已久的小動物。我捉了四隻，就以X字型置放，讓它們的蝸角對著蝸角。然後，繼續忙著除草。

姐姐說：你童心未泯啦？她搖一搖頭，像對著一個淘氣的小男孩說話。她當我沒有長大過。

事實上我真的還是保持著童心。我記得小時候住在組屋里，我的童騃世界只有汽車與高樓，沒有鄉野。

我就像一隻蝸牛，蜷縮在自己的世界裡，直至現在，或許直至未來。

我的整幅吸引力就給這四隻蝸牛吸引過去了。即使當母親與姐姐都將祭品設好，我還是轉向一邊，望著這四隻看起來阮囊羞澀，卻又蠢蠢欲動的小動物。

她們不知道為什麼我會將它們擺成X字陣，其實我是想知道蝸牛是否會轉彎，特別是前路都被卡住時。

我知道這是一個天真的想法。

沒多久，我就看到其中一隻頂著較大殼子的蝸牛開始移動，它伸展了粘潤的身子，拉出驚人的幅度吸納著空間，我第一次看到如此長的蝸牛觸角。但是笨重的殼子還是原封不動時，未幾就拖拉著整幅身驅與殼子拐了一個彎，破了我的X字陣。

原來，蝸牛是這樣「走路」的。

母親看起來還是很凝重。晨光已升起了，她撐著傘在父親的碑前佇立著，不語。姐姐在墳後焚化著祭品，耳邊傳來遠處一些鞭炮，整個山頭都零零星星地立著掃墓人。

母親又叫我過來：快上香，「品」幾句。

我又來看你了。時間過得很快，如果你在天有靈，為什麼你沒有聽到去年我向你做的禱告？我在此再一次向你說：讓我夢想成真，讓我找到我喜歡的男人……

燒完祭品，我們在收拾東西離去時，母親才發覺我在玩著蝸牛，因為我的姐姐像告狀似地對她投訴著：你看你的兒子，像個小孩子一樣，玩到手骯骯髒髒。

母親聽了只是笑著：哦，蝸牛也是很好玩哦。

姐姐：怎麼會有這樣的母親啊？

我心裡也是有一絲絲的感動。媽，如果你對我所做的一切人生決定都這樣支持，那是否一件好事？

回家後。我還是想起這四隻蝸牛，不知道它們爬到哪裡去了？

彷彿間，我覺得我真的像一隻蝸牛了。

一年又一年：

聽不見的禱告

不是荒謬的荒謬

狀元流鶯：越墮落越快樂

讀到天才兒童蘇菲雅尤索夫 （Sufiah Yusof）已成為英倫香爐人人插的高級妓女新聞時，我想每個人都有不同的感受。

當然第一個感覺是驚駭，接著下來你會扼腕嘆息嗎？你會心碎嗎？

News of The World找到蘇菲雅出來現身說法時，她的剖白更是讓人感到無法接受，具備了膻色腥的因素，這麼戲劇性與大轉彎的人生際遇，讓人追讀不已。

我是在今天的《星報》封面頭條讀到這則新聞，下巴都跌到地上了，看過了原莊版的新聞後，就覺得《星報》刪去了很多露骨的細節。

譬如這段：
"I have men who are thrilled about my passion for mathematics. In fact one made me recite equations while he pleasured me, then I gave him oral sex while he chatted about algebra. It drove him wild."

（事實上有一個客戶在服待我時讓我唸出一個方程式，之後他在談到代數時我為他口交，這使到他更狂野。）

還有這段：
「she says. "I've always had a high sex drive—and now I'm getting all the sex I want—and guys are much better in bed with an escort than a girlfriend. 」

（我一直都有很強烈的性慾─現在我得到我要的性愛─而男人在床上對一名應召女郎好過對女朋友。）

由于對這則新聞太感興趣了，我在《星洲日報》也追讀這則中譯本的新聞，荒謬的是這家大報將蘇菲雅憶述她的初下海的男人時的那一段「Sufiah said the first client was a “lovely man” in his late 20s, tall and handsome.」譯成「她聲稱其第一個顧客是一名比她年長約20歲、長得高大且英俊的“可愛男生”，他們在希爾頓酒店的酒吧見面，然後上房享受了一個美妙的性經驗」

「接近三十歲」譯成「比她年長約20歲」，這家世界級媒體集團的出版水準真是笑話。

所以，還是不要相信這些沒有水平與擅自為讀者過濾的報章，我就決定上網來自己找這則新聞來讀了。

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事實上，若不是蘇菲雅的母親是來自大馬柔佛，恐怕我們也不會群起追讀這則新聞，就是因為她擁有一半大馬人的血統，也算是與大馬有淵源的「子民」。當然，technically來說她已不是大馬人了。

馬來西亞在她13歲時擠進牛津大學時多麼地亢奮與欣喜若狂，以她為榮，如今蘇菲雅成了成為應召女郎時，人人以「操醜業」的字眼或心態來看待她了。

大馬人，你們還硬硬要蘇菲雅認祖歸宗嗎？

如果馬來西亞人，特別是馬來人因為一個帥哥太空人得到升空摘星，回來後被捧為神仙般狂熱地脆拜，蘇菲雅也算了讓大馬揚名海外的「大馬人」，其實馬來西亞在那一剎那被掃入了地獄。

這幾天讀到政府高官的反應時更覺得荒謬，有人發動拯救蘇菲雅的行動，以救世主的姿勢要將蘇菲雅拉出苦海，還以為她是中了降頭。但現在隨著蘇菲雅真情又出人意表的「我自愿做妓」告白後，這些所謂的長官、長輩們是否還有話要說？

還有行動黨的全國主席卡巴星建議，要大馬駐英國最高專員署發動找人行動，然後讓蘇菲雅回來大馬接受「心理治療」時，我看了真的是怪笑不已。人人都認為蘇菲雅是瘋了。

她真的瘋了嗎？

我不覺得。我覺得蘇菲雅是劃時代的奇葩，足以顛覆社會人士的種種認知觀感。她可能不是第一個最年輕的牛津學生，但她應該是唯一一個天才兒童出身的而自愿下海的妓女。她是這個時代走偏鋒到極端的歷史人物。

當然，她的家庭背景、家庭教育是現今社會家長最大的一個警鐘，你以為兒女早慧、逼他們成龍成鳳就是好事？然而蘇菲雅的故事血淋淋地告訴你：成龍成鳳之後，也可以成為青樓流鶯。

當然，一切尾隨著的就是學術上的討論──怪父母、怪社會、怪整個體制，怪我們慣有的價值觀系統。

你們說：「職業無分貴賤」、「行行出狀元」嗎？那麼狀元流鶯也很低賤嗎？但我們自古以來又說：「笑貧不笑娼」，那麼這種價值觀系統下的共識是否互相抵觸？

只是蘇菲雅那一句話說：. "I hate this stereotype society has of escorts being exploited. It is so far from the truth. （我憎恨這個打上刻板印象的社會）將所有的偽道士都回應得啞口無言。

如果賣淫是一項刑事罪的話，別忘記，淫業是人類歷史上最悠久的刑事罪。

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只是我在想，一邊口交做愛， 一邊吟誦數學方程式的情況，到底是怎樣的教人感到亢奮呢？這種畫面像是得獎的藝術電影，或是小電影才會出現的激情畫面，現在讓蘇菲雅給我們上了一堂性教育的課。

同時，蘇菲雅的告白也真的讓一介庸人的我們，開了一個眼界。

至少蘇菲雅不會像「很天真，很傻」的「偽人」天真嬌一樣，這邊廂在銀幕上清純可愛，暗地裡含著巨蕉在陶醉，我們都將這些公眾人物當作「玉女」。又或者我們刻板地都將有腦的女生是林亞珍模樣的呆頭鵝，不諳人事。

更搞笑的是，她卓越的學術背景絲毫也沒有被白費，她說她是帶著數學頭腦來與男人上床，不知道她是否找到怎樣達至性高潮的方程式？

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我是很佩服蘇菲雅的勇氣。或許在心裡面是想著：她做到了一些我們不敢做，甚至連想也不敢想的事情。她將一般常人心底裡可能壓抑的慾望，爆發而具體化地演繹起來。

例如我常在街邊看到一對夫妻時，我會猜想，他們都享受彼此的性愛嗎？他們在床上都是彼此所需要的人嗎？他們是我們一般所想的夫妻間行房只是例牌公事，沒床第之歡。

我又是否能像蘇菲雅一樣，如此無懼地 與n個男人上床去咂吸各形各狀的陽具？ 追求自己的慾望？ 但是，我連付錢到三溫暖或是按摩中心也沒有這樣的膽量 只是在健身中心裡鬼混

蘇菲雅告訴我們的是：她為了爭取自己的人生，而對整個壓抑的體制作出了最勇猛的反撲，不只是抗議她的家庭壓力，還有整個社會的觀感。

而且，她是如此赤裸裸、坦蕩蕩地攤開了自己，為了自己的人生，肉體與軀殼又算得了什麼？她只是要贖回自己的靈魂。

我不知道，婦女權益組織的人怎樣看待蘇菲雅事件──

～說爭取女性的自由、自主權，所以蘇菲雅逃出了家庭的魔掌，只是選擇了迎送生涯；

～喊話說要抗議女性權益被剝削，蘇菲雅做出了自己的選擇；

～抗議娼妓行業、認為這是壓迫女性，但蘇菲雅卻享受著抽送套干陽具時的快活。

另外，其實我也聯想到6年前轟動全國的艷屍案諾麗妲，她在被謀殺後裸屍橫陳，在法庭審訊時牽引出了許多香艷的故事（包括與多名男人性交、遺體肛門證實死前與人肛交），也是馬來西亞這個回教國家的社會在偽裝高雅潔淨、要實行回教法等禁止馬來人來從事不良行為，其實也只是將人性的慾望遮掩在宗教聖袍之下。

而蘇菲雅是否也算是馬來人？她是否也是一名回教徒？但是，我們感受到馬來社會的尷尬了。

●

我想，如果在本月19日要出發到英國的大馬「拯救團」，已證明大馬人會原諒她。

你說馬來西亞是個封建的國家事實上，我們連一個脫光光偷情做愛的部長都可以「諒解」與忘記，更以選票支持這名部長的兒子代父上陣來當上人民代議士，我們就知道，大馬的社會人士，是很尊重「個人隱私」，也有雙重的社會與道德標準。

只是，對待同志時，是否也有這把寬鬆的尺度？

**
附件：
原文的網站是圖文並茂的呈獻出蘇菲雅的訪談，可是有一些裸露畫面可能不適宜公開瀏覽，我就做了一些剪貼工作，將英文版的新聞貼上。


MATHS genius turned hooker Sufiah Yusof reveals how she drives men wild... by reciting EQUATIONS to her clients as they have sex.

Watch her sexy videoshoot and interview

And the Asian beauty defiantly claims that selling her body for up to £1,000 a time provides her with a far more glamorous life than she ever dreamt of when she went to Oxford University aged just 13.

Click here for more pics of Sufiah

"My clients love the fact that I can stimulate their minds AND their bodies," she boasts in a shockingly frank interview with the News of the World.

"And I don't believe my education has been wasted—in fact I usually take problem sheets with me to solve before appointments."

Sufiah decided to CONFESS ALL after we revealed how the former child prodigy was working as a £130-an-hour prostitute while studying for a masters in economics.

It is the latest heartbreaking twist to a life that seemed so full of promise—but went tragically wrong when she cracked under the pressure of her bullying father's cruel academic regime and fled university at 15.

Eight years on, he is now in jail for sexually assaulting two girl pupils and Sufiah has somehow convinced herself that her seedy new career is the answer to all her problems.

"People think escorting is sleazy and terrible but I don't see it like that," she says. "I've always had a high sex drive—and now I'm getting all the sex I want—and guys are much better in bed with an escort than a girlfriend.

"I have men who are thrilled about my passion for mathematics. In fact one made me recite equations while he pleasured me, then I gave him oral sex while he chatted about algebra. It drove him wild."

And brainbox Sufiah has worked out that subtracting your respectability to become a prostitute can equal big money.

"I have a nice life and I am in control," she says. "I hate this stereotype society has of escorts being exploited. It is so far from the truth.

"My clients treat me like a princess. One guy I see in London took me shopping on Bond Street. He bought me a beautiful black Gucci dress for £700 and then took me to Selfridges and told me to pick any handbag I liked."

She chose a £600 Gucci clutch. "I'm a Primark and Topshop girl normally! I felt like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

"Later that night we went for dinner. I wore my Gucci dress and sexy lingerie and took great pleasure in peeling it off for him later on back at his hotel."

Sufiah was working as an administrative assistant earning £ 16,000 a year in Manchester when an escort agency boss approached her in a bar four months ago. She'd run up debts of £3,500 in rent arrears and credit cards.

And she was still haunted by her hellish childhood—subjected to her father Farooq's Accelerated Learning Technique where she studied maths day in day out in rooms kept freezing cold to improve her concentration.

So the big rewards the agency boss promised seemed more than tempting. "I have studied so intensely for so many years I wanted to have fun," she says.

She can't see the sordid side of prostitution—and instead likens herself to Belle De Jour—the saucy hooker played by Billie Piper in the TV drama.

"I'd read Belle De Jour's Diary of a London Call Girl and was fascinated," she said. "When this immaculate lady in a designer suit asked if I had ever considered escorting, I found it appealing.

"I went home, researched agencies on the internet and found one I thought looked professional. I sent them photographs and they put me on their site." A couple of days later Sufiah was offered her first client. She recalls: "I felt quite nervous but excited too. I slipped on some black lace underwear and stockings and suspenders and a dress, and just though, ‘Wow, this is thrilling.'

"He was waiting for me at the bar of the Hilton. I expected him to be older but when I saw him he was lovely.

"He was only in his late 20s, tall and handsome. I thought, ‘I can't believe I'm getting paid to have sex with this man.'

"I'd have been thrilled if he chatted me up in a bar. We had a drink then went upstairs to his room and had fantastic sex. I left that night feeling totally elated having had an amazing time with £250 in my purse." Since then, she has built up a base of regular rich clients and sees between five and ten men each week.

Her sugar daddies have treated her to fabulous clothes, designer bags, trips on yachts and even helicopter rides.

Sufiah, whose interview can be seen on video at notw.co.uk, brags that she can earn more than £1,000 in a night by having diner with a client and staying over. "It's like they want to rescue me. One man asked me how much I earned a year. I said £60,000. He told me, ‘I'll pay that amount straight into your bank and buy you a flat and you can be my mistress.'

"But I don't want that because I'm happy doing what I do. Now I wonder if I could go back to a normal relationship, where you watch EastEnders and have boring sex. I've got used to being treated like a princess."

It is as if she has run away from reality—just as she ran away from university and her father's dominance at 15.

Sufiah becomes solemn and subdued when she talks of her upbringing. "As I grew older I began to clash with my father," she says. "He was violent on occasions. Because he pushed me so far academically, I became more confident for a girl of my age. I grew up too quickly.

"From 11, I was studying maths all the time. I didn't have any friends. I wasn't in the Brownies.

My father said they didn't teach Muslim values. I hardly ever played with other children."

She passed her maths A level aged 12 and started at St Hilda's College, Oxford. "It was an amazing place but I was too young. By the time I was 15 I wanted to be in control of my life. I fought back."

Sufiah sparked a two week nationwide police hunt when she ran away instead of going home at the end of term, saying she'd "had enough of 15 years of physical and emotional abuse".

Her father claimed she had been kidnapped and brainwashed by members of a socialist organisation.

But now, speaking about it for the first time, Sufiah says: "I couldn't bear the thought of going home so I ran away. I'd saved up £200 and found a hostel in London for £14 per night. After a week I moved to a hostel in Bournemouth. I knew I could survive on my own."

When she was found in an internet cafe, Sufiah refused to go home and was placed in foster care by Bournemouth social services.

She says: "I stayed with two families who were very good to me. My mum and dad would call me and ask me to go home—but I didn't want to."

Her 50-year-old father is now in jail for 18 months after being convicted of sexually assaulting two 15-year-old girls he taught at his home in Coventry.

When Sufiah reached 18 she returned to Oxford to continue her studies—and fell in love with fellow student Jonathan Marshall. They married a year later but it barely lasted a year.

"At the time I thought we would be together forever, but we married too young and grew apart," she says.

After the split she moved back to London where she taught maths in the evenings to make ends meet. Then six months ago she moved to Manchester—and stumbled across her new career.

"I'm still only young and I can't decide what I want to do," she says. "My escort work provides me with a fabulous life.

"I still enjoy learning and I find it puts me in the right frame of mind for an intelligent conversation with my clients." But she admits not all her sexual encounters work out. "At the end of the day you don't have to sleep with a client if you don't want to. I've done that twice now. Both men were young and very nervous. I just left.

"The dullest client I've ever had was a rich man who talked about cars all night. It was really, really boring."

Sufiah is well aware she could easily find a job in the City where she could match her £60,000 a year sex earnings.

But she said: "I don't want to take anything away from people who do jobs like that but it's not for me. I have a nice life. I don't want for anything."

Her mother Halimahton is now divorcing jailed Farooq and is desperate for her daughter to get in touch with her. "I was shaking when I found out what had become of her," she says.

But talking about her bitter split with her parents, Sufiah says: "I would describe our relationship as estranged.

"I have contact with them occasionally but I couldn't speculate on what they will make of my new life.

"I don't have any regrets. I've never felt more confident about my body and I've had some of the best sex of my life."